a tale of misery and woe…

Posted in General, Infertility on 11 May, 2012 by juniper76

It seems that is all this blog is at times – bad news, disappointment, grief.

I’ve got all 3 to get off my chest right now.

This has been a very difficult year.  We started with learning of our mm/c in the first week and it hasn’t really gotten any easier.  I still struggle with that loss; I still miss her, even though I know it could never have been.

And then this week started – bad news, disappointment and grief.

I might start with the easy one – disappointment.  Tuesday was my birthday.  Another year older.  In general, I don’t care too much about my age.  It doesn’t define who I am, it doesn’t make me feel better or worse in the morning, it just is what it is.

I found, this year, the approach of my birthday filled me with dread.  I’m scared for my fertility.  I’m scared Amber will be an only child.  I’m scared I’ll never be pregnant again or that we’ll be doomed to lose any pregnancies we do achieve.  I’m worried about my egg quality.  I’m worried about my age, for the first time ever.

To rub salt into the wound, AF showed up on my birthday.  FF tells me it was the start of cycle #50 TTC (cycle #10 TTC#2).

Adding to my worries, I had a lot of cramping.  I’m worried it’s a sign the endo is growing back and am trying to decide whether it means it’s time to go back to the GYN who diagnosed and treated my endo (and did the IVF that gave us Amber).  I’m not ready for another IVF, but if the endo is coming back it could stop me getting pregnant.

Last cycle was also the last opportunity to have a due date in the Year of the Dragon.  I’m not one for believing in horoscopes, but DH & I are both Dragons and we both love dragons. Amber has many dragon toys and her first (unofficial) “word” was “Ra” in response to “What does dragon say?”.  They’re important to us.

We lost a Year of the Dragon baby and I really wanted another.  Losing that chance to have a little Dragon is like losing part of her all over again.  It’s over.

And now I need to write the hard part.  I really don’t know what to say.  There’s so much, such a jumble, a mess…

Bad news and grief…

We received a phone call early Sunday morning.  Actually, we received several, because we leave the phones in the bedroom on silent and we were trying to take advantage of Amber letting us sleep in.  There were missed calls on every phone in the house.

DH’s dad had passed away early in the morning.  It was sudden and unexpected.

We arrived at their house to see police everywhere.  I can’t imagine what that must have been like for DH, to see the front yard of his childhood home full of police.  I found it disconcerting enough.  His dad hadn’t seen a doctor in years, so there was no-one to sign off on cause of death and so the police had to be called; a post-mortem had to be done.

We learned on Tuesday that it was heart failure.  It would have been quick; he wouldn’t have suffered and he was at home, where he wanted to be.

Not quite 5 days later and I find myself sometimes almost forgetting what happened.  I think of us visiting and expect him to be sitting in his chair by the door when we arrive and waving us off from the doorway when we leave.  I wonder if he’ll always be there in my mind?

Maybe it’s because it’s not over?  We have the funeral next week and a family gathering to scatter the ashes at some time later.  I wonder if it will feel real then or if I will still expect to see him?

He was a quiet man – softly-spoken and a man of few words – but, when he spoke, he had such interesting things to say.  I always enjoyed his stories and I regret not hearing more of them.  I thought there was more time.



Posted in Infertility on 15 March, 2012 by juniper76

I realised today I now hate TTC.  I’ve spent 4 of the last 5 years TTC and I’ve had enough and I hate it.

I’m sick of hurting.  I’m sick of failing.

I want to quit.  I can’t, but I want to.

results of chromosomal testing…

Posted in Infertility, Pregnancy on 21 February, 2012 by juniper76

It has already been 6 weeks.  It felt like an eternity and flashed past in the blink of an eye.  A whole lot of nothing was done and a lot happened.

I spent the first month really struggling with depression, and the inevitable insomnia that brings for me.  I’m still battling the insomnia, but the worst of the depression has passed.  I feel more normal again, just tired… really, really tired…

I had my thyroid tested and the results were mostly normal, aside from slightly elevated anti-thyroid peroxidase antibodies.  I had a sample taken to biopsy a possible skin cancer (basal cell carcinoma) and am still waiting for those results.

But today was the day I had been desperate to reach, but dreading at the same time.

Today was the day we saw the OB for our 6-week post-d&c appointment to find out the test results.

The chromosomal testing showed she had both Turner Syndrome (monosomy X) and Edwards Syndrome (trisomy 18, mosaic).  Pretty much, she had very little chance of surviving.

I guess it counts as good news.  It was just shit-bad-luck.  My body hadn’t failed to support her, something had just gone wrong right at the beginning.  Two somethings, I guess.

I don’t really know what it means yet and you just know I’m going to have a lengthy consultation with Dr Google over the coming days, but at least we have AN answer.


*update, 22 February 2012*

Yes, it is a BCC skin cancer.  Thankfully, a superficial one.

Happy Birthday!

Posted in Parenthood on 25 January, 2012 by juniper76

Happy Birthday my sweet princess.  We love you so much.

still on the stupid rollercoaster…

Posted in Infertility on 5 January, 2012 by juniper76

I thought maybe we’d have gotten off by now.  After all, we’d managed to get a BFP nice and quickly and without medical assistance.

No.  Of course not.  We’re still on the stupid rollercoaster.

We had our first OB appointment today.  As soon as he started the scan I could see that it wasn’t right.  I watched him search in vain for a heartbeat.  I knew before he said it.

D&C is booked for Monday.

a bit of fun…

Posted in General on 2 January, 2012 by juniper76

I have 199 approved comments on my blog.  Who wants to be #200?  Tell me about your favourite Christmas present this year.  It can be one you received or one you gave.

We gave my parents a photo book of Amber’s first year and my dad loved it so much he wouldn’t put it down until he had finished looking through it, even though it meant he was missing Amber unwrapping some of her presents.

We also made a photo book for DH’s parents but they haven’t received it yet because our Christmas plans with his family were delayed due to a family member ending up in hospital at 1am on the day we were supposed to celebrate.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year holiday.  I know some of you were in hospital or had plans go awry, but I hope you were still able to make it a special time with your loved ones.

Best wishes for a happy and healthy 2012.

quick update…

Posted in Pregnancy on 13 December, 2011 by juniper76

We had our dating scan at lunchtime today.  By O date I estimated we should be 7w1d.

The scan went well overall.  Bub was measuring 6w6d, which is close enough to make me happy.  Heartbeat was 137 and the sonographer was able to let us hear it.  We didn’t hear Amber’s heartbeat until 16wks, so was a great moment.

Amber was there with us for the scan, but was far more interested in the sonographer’s handbag, which kept DH a little pre-occupied.

Next stop, first OB appointment…