first steps down a familiar road…

Seriously, is 2012 not over yet?  I find it astonishing that we’re only half-way through the year.

Picking up where I left off in May… In mid-May we had a small ceremony for DH’s Dad.  It was a Tuesday and afterwards everyone met at the waterfront at Shorncliffe (at one of his favourite spots) for fish and chips.

The following Monday, DH’s mum picked up the ashes from the crematorium, then went to see her Dr and was admitted to hospital.  A day or two after the funeral (she is deliberately vague about when it happened), she had a heart attack.  It was her second in 6 months.  She didn’t tell anyone at the time it happened because she wanted to pick up the ashes first.  The weekend following admission, she had bypass surgery and is recovering well.

The same day DH’s mum was admitted to hospital, Amber started walking.  I was sick and had stayed home from work, so I was lucky to be there for it.  It was also our wedding anniversary.  Busy day!

June was blessedly quiet.  Aside from my incessant coughing.  I could really do without that.  It’s been going on 7 weeks now.  Really, I’d be very happy for it to stop!

But I mentioned a familiar road, and this is where it starts.

In the background of all the drama, stress and tears of 2012, has lurked a familiar foe – endometriosis.  Ever since the d&c in January, I have noticed a return of the symptoms and, with each passing month, there has been a rapid increase in the severity.  Last year my cycles were pain-free; in February I had a small amount of pain and by June the pain had reach “moderate”.  The first time around it had taken 10 years to reach that point; this time it happened in only 6 months.  I decided to act before it returned to “severe” (aka “3 days of searing, incapacitating pain for which codeine is as effective as a breath mint and you’re kidding yourself if you even try to sleep”, but that’s a bit of a mouthful, so we’ll stick with “severe”, shall we?).

This week I went back to our FS for the first time since the IVF that gave us Amber.  The ladies at reception remembered me (or at least pretended to), which made it easier.  It was a bit like coming back to a place you belong, except it’s not a place I want to belong, no matter how nice the people there…

As I predicted (and dreaded), he believes the endo is growing back and that a lap is the way to go.  He used an analogy of lightning striking twice that I thought was a bit awkward and somewhat counter-intuitive, but essentially he said that we know what worked last time, so that’s where we should start this time.

As luck would have it, I was booked into a surgical slot that should be just a day or two before AF is due (currently CD2).  The reason I consider this lucky is that we can’t TTC this cycle because I’m getting my skin cancer treated and the treatment (photodynamic therapy) is known to cause m/c.  The lap would also (probably) have prevented us from TTC, so having both fall into the same cycle seems like fortuitous timing to me…

The funny thing is that, once again, I find myself worrying that he won’t find anything.  No matter what symptoms I feel (even right at this moment, being CD2), I worry he’ll say there was no re-growth and that the symptoms are all in my head, that I need to “suck it up” and get on with my life.  Why am I more worried about being thought of as a hypochondriac than about the endo growing back so quickly?  Do I yearn so much for my pain to be validated by a diagnosis?

Whatever the outcome will be, I have just under 4 weeks to convince myself that “knowledge is power” and that the answers we get from the lap will be valuable, regardless of what those answers may be.

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