a tale of misery and woe…

It seems that is all this blog is at times – bad news, disappointment, grief.

I’ve got all 3 to get off my chest right now.

This has been a very difficult year.  We started with learning of our mm/c in the first week and it hasn’t really gotten any easier.  I still struggle with that loss; I still miss her, even though I know it could never have been.

And then this week started – bad news, disappointment and grief.

I might start with the easy one – disappointment.  Tuesday was my birthday.  Another year older.  In general, I don’t care too much about my age.  It doesn’t define who I am, it doesn’t make me feel better or worse in the morning, it just is what it is.

I found, this year, the approach of my birthday filled me with dread.  I’m scared for my fertility.  I’m scared Amber will be an only child.  I’m scared I’ll never be pregnant again or that we’ll be doomed to lose any pregnancies we do achieve.  I’m worried about my egg quality.  I’m worried about my age, for the first time ever.

To rub salt into the wound, AF showed up on my birthday.  FF tells me it was the start of cycle #50 TTC (cycle #10 TTC#2).

Adding to my worries, I had a lot of cramping.  I’m worried it’s a sign the endo is growing back and am trying to decide whether it means it’s time to go back to the GYN who diagnosed and treated my endo (and did the IVF that gave us Amber).  I’m not ready for another IVF, but if the endo is coming back it could stop me getting pregnant.

Last cycle was also the last opportunity to have a due date in the Year of the Dragon.  I’m not one for believing in horoscopes, but DH & I are both Dragons and we both love dragons. Amber has many dragon toys and her first (unofficial) “word” was “Ra” in response to “What does dragon say?”.  They’re important to us.

We lost a Year of the Dragon baby and I really wanted another.  Losing that chance to have a little Dragon is like losing part of her all over again.  It’s over.

And now I need to write the hard part.  I really don’t know what to say.  There’s so much, such a jumble, a mess…

Bad news and grief…

We received a phone call early Sunday morning.  Actually, we received several, because we leave the phones in the bedroom on silent and we were trying to take advantage of Amber letting us sleep in.  There were missed calls on every phone in the house.

DH’s dad had passed away early in the morning.  It was sudden and unexpected.

We arrived at their house to see police everywhere.  I can’t imagine what that must have been like for DH, to see the front yard of his childhood home full of police.  I found it disconcerting enough.  His dad hadn’t seen a doctor in years, so there was no-one to sign off on cause of death and so the police had to be called; a post-mortem had to be done.

We learned on Tuesday that it was heart failure.  It would have been quick; he wouldn’t have suffered and he was at home, where he wanted to be.

Not quite 5 days later and I find myself sometimes almost forgetting what happened.  I think of us visiting and expect him to be sitting in his chair by the door when we arrive and waving us off from the doorway when we leave.  I wonder if he’ll always be there in my mind?

Maybe it’s because it’s not over?  We have the funeral next week and a family gathering to scatter the ashes at some time later.  I wonder if it will feel real then or if I will still expect to see him?

He was a quiet man – softly-spoken and a man of few words – but, when he spoke, he had such interesting things to say.  I always enjoyed his stories and I regret not hearing more of them.  I thought there was more time.

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3 Responses to “a tale of misery and woe…”

  1. So very sorry to hear about the loss of your FIL.

    Sending love and strength your way xxxxx

  2. Sorry to hear of the loss of your father in law :(

    I truly hope this is your month to conceive. A Feb baby would be nice :)

  3. Hugs, I’m very sorry to hear of your family’s loss. :( Losing a parent is difficult – we had warning of my Dad’s death, but it didn’t stop me feel like I was living in a dream for months after it happened. I kept expecting to see him when I went home and also to places we would visit frequently. At times it’s a disconcerting feeling and other times it makes me glad that he was my Dad. Not sure if any of that makes sense.
    Sarah xxx

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