sounds of silence…

I’ve been slack.

Well, not precisely slack.  I’ve got things to say, but I’m so tightly wound at the moment that I’m finding I don’t know what to write when I get here.  I have a massive jumble of thoughts, but no words to share.

I’ll stick to the simple things.

We’re almost out of chocolate.  Yep, it has lasted this long.  I have 6 speckled easter eggs (chocolate centre with a candy shell) sitting on my desk.  I’d eat them, but their fairly horrible, and life’s too short for bad chocolate…  We still have some of the unbelievably delicious rocky road in the fridge though.  I’m trying to make it last as long as I can.  ;)

If anyone was stalking my chart for the last two weeks, you’d have seen some very pretty temps.  Very pretty, right up until they came crashing down yesterday and today.  Which brings me to CD1 and my favourite “aunt” showing up to (literally) be a pain in the butt…  Well, not so much the “butt”, but that general area.  You know what I mean…

Which means, we’re officially back on the IVF rollercoaster for attempt IVF#5.

How did it come to this?

And why am I so damned depressed about trying again?  Is this self-preservation?  Or am I just reaching the end of my TTC tether?

I have to call the doctor’s office tomorrow and let them know that AF showed up.  I’m really hoping they don’t try to say that tomorrow is CD1 since she arrived after their office hours.  I’m supposed to go in for a suppression check on CD4, which is Friday if today is CD1, Saturday if they count from tomorrow.  I don’t know if they do monitoring on Saturday since this is my first cycle with this doctor, and since it’s a long weekend I really don’t want to wait until Tuesday.  An extra 4 days on Synarel just because AF showed up after 4pm just doesn’t seem fair to me.  I’ve had a headache since Friday as it is, and, since I’m not pg, I can only guess this nausea is courtesy of the Synarel too?

I really hate this right now.  I know I should be grateful that we have the opportunity to try again while we still have the money, but I hate that we’re doing it.

I’m also dreading the 2dt V 5dt argument that I know will happen after ER.  My new doctor wants to do a 2dt.  I can’t bear the thought of going through the 2ww after a 2dt wondering if the embryos arrested at day 3 like last time.  I’m just hoping we get a few more eggs and embryos this time so we have a stronger place from which to argue.  If all else fails, I’ll fall back to a “my body, my decision” argument.

So, we’re doing the long down-reg protocol again this time.  I’d have prefered to do the antagonist protocol again or try a flare protocol, but our doctor wanted to do this.  He seems to be more interested in tailoring it to my needs than our previous doctor (who seemed to have decided I fit into a certain mould, no matter what), so he gets one chance with it.  Besides, when he said long protocol + 2dt, I decided I was only ready to fight him on one of those and that the transfer day was more important.

He’s increasing my Puregon dose to 450iu this time.  My previous doctor wasn’t willing to go above 325iu.  Last time we increased the dose it didn’t increase the number of eggs retrieved, but I’m still hoping this increase will make a difference.  He has also said we’ll do more monitoring which I do find somewhat reassuring.

Lastly, he said we’d be throwing everything plus the kitchen sink at the luteal support.  He mentioned adding both aspirin and steroids to my protocol following transfer.  I’m not sure how to handle the weight gain risks associated with the steroids, so, if anyone’s got any suggestions please share them.  (And before you say anything about chocolate, I’ll be avoiding all refined sugars from when I start stims.)

There’s more to be said, but that will do for now.  If AF keeps me up all night (which it’s looking like at this stage – ouch!) I’ll try to finally post the pictures I’ve uploaded from my sister’s wedding.  It’s only been 2 months since she was married, so I’m barely scratching the procrastination surface…  ;)

Oh, and one last thing, my BFF’s new son will be two weeks old tomorrow.  When we visited her in hospital DH & I were left alone with him not once, but twice.  I was both terrified (of something going wrong) and touched at the same time.  My BFF has always been somewhat over-protective of their daughter, so to be left alone with her newborn son for even a few minutes  just blew me away.

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2 Responses to “sounds of silence…”

  1. Hey Juniper,
    I just wanted to say please don’t give up. You are actually kind of my hero in all of this, bc your story is kind of similar to mine and you’ve really hung in there, and you’re feisty and get lots of info from your doctors. I really admire you. I’m at an earlier stage of treatment, but have had really poor results, which makes me consider giving up IVF all the time. It is so normal to be depressed about it all. It won’t affect your result. And I can tell you are so committed and you’ll go the distance. Plus you are so generous and kind to your friends with little ones – people can learn a lot from you.
    Wishing you the best of luck for your next cycle,
    Emma

    • Emma, thank you for your comment. I felt somewhat humbled by it. I hope you have success with your treatments in the very, very near future.

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