it’s raining, it’s pouring…

It started raining last night; I know because the thunder woke me up…  Actually, the thunder is still going, intermittently.  A quick peek out the kitchen door showed the usual flooding we get during heavy rain:

I’ve been meaning to write a new post for a while now; in fact there’s three different things I’ve been wanting to write about.  I’m going to tackle them in the order they happened and split them over 3 posts.

So, first cab off the rank: a couple of weeks ago (yes, it’s been that long) I had my annual performance review at work.  I’ve been with my current employer for 7.5 years, so my regional manager and I have been through a few of these together.  The thing is, I tend to take personal criticism, … well… personally.  I don’t think we’ve done one of these yet when I haven’t needed a tissue (or 10).  So, last year, my RM made a passing comment at the end of my review along the lines of, “as an unofficial KPI, lets see if we can get through the next review without tears”.  It’s not like I walk in to each of these reviews wanting to get upset, but that doesn’t stop it happening…

Anyway, this time I was doing so well!  We’d talked through all the IVF and miscarriage stuff that had happened in 2009.  I was quite indignant when I got below “acceptable” on the “goes the extra mile” question and felt obliged to point out that I worked 50 hour weeks while I was grieving for my miscarriage.  Honestly, if that’s not going the extra mile, what is?  He said he had marked me down because of all the work I’d missed earlier in the year.  I still hoped I made him feel bad about that score though…

We were doing so well (not even a hint of emotion), right up until the section that asked about goals.  The problem is that, for the last 3 years, the single most important goal in my life has remained elusively unachievable.  And after 3 years of wanting something so badly, only to be denied at every turn, I have a very hard time wanting anything for fear of denial.  To make things worse, for the last two reviews I had asked to attend the annual Australian conference for our field of work.  In both reviews I was told I could go, but, by the time the conference rolled around, I was told I couldn’t attend.  I didn’t even bother asking this year.

So, we spent about 15 mins working out what to put as my short-term goal(s).  In the end it was something weak like “continue to increase my knowledge/skills”.  But it was at the next question about long-term goals that everything fell apart.  My official response (before he even read out the question) was “don’t even ask”.  I actually said that.  And then the RM sabotaged that unofficial KPI.  He asked if I wanted to put “part-time work-at-home mum” down as a long-term goal.

I just burst into tears.

He apologised profusely, saying he hadn’t meant it to be an emotive question.  Really?  Hadn’t meant it to be emotive?  If everything had gone to plan, I’d have been doing that for the last two years and you want to put it down as a long-term goal?  It’s a past (unachieved) goal!  And just imagine what it will be like if we’re sitting here again next year, reviewing what we had put in this review and that goal is still unrealised?!  Yes, let’s sabotage next year’s review too, while we’re at it!  My poor group manager (I have two managers in my reviews because of my “special needs”; the RM doesn’t sit in for most people) was at a loss and pretty much said nothing other than asking if I wanted to take a break before continuing.  Not long after I was ready to continue (it took a while) the RM excused himself and let the group manager finish the review on his own…

The worst part is that, with my complexion, my face stays red a long time after crying.  I manged to get back to my office without anyone seeing, but then someone came in to ask me a question and ended up asking if I was alright instead.  Thankfully he was the only one and, since it was mid-afternoon, I scarpered at the first opportunity…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: