I’m really not sure how it happened.  I find myself lost in a dark, miserable place.  Is it just about TTC?  Has it really dragged me down this far?  Two and a half years ago everything was bright and fluffy.  There were frickin’ fairies flittering in the flower-laden fields of happiness.  And they had glitter on their wings.

Two and a half years ago it was a bright, sunny January and we were finally ready to start our family.  Actually, DH had been ready for ages but I wasn’t.  Heck, even when we started TTC I was more than a little afraid of the fact that we would have a child by the end of the year!  I really did believe that – by Christmas we would be a family of 3.  So, scared but happy.

We bought a new car because DH’s car was about to stop working and mine wasn’t safe enough for our children.  I even fought tooth and nail to get paid maternity leave for myself at work.  It was one heck of a fight, but I won.  And see how much good it has done me.

I missed out on a promotion and was told it was because I wanted to be a mum and work part-time.  Nevermind that the man given the job was expecting his first child that year and would have his family of 3 the very same Christmas that I had thought we would.  Talk about a slap in the face.  Even though endless apologies followed, I don’t think my boss really understood just how much that hurt.

Maybe that was the start of the end?  I couldn’t have what I wanted at work because I wanted to be a mum.  But I wasn’t becoming a mum either.  Can’t have what I want at work, can’t have what I want at home.

What can I have?

I can have my friends and my family.  There’s something to be grateful for.  But our friends’ lives are conusmed by their children so we hardly see them – “we can’t see you then because such-and-such is sick”; “we can’t do dinner because that’s after such-and-such’s bedtime”; “we can’t see you any time soon because we haven’t worked out how to handle going out with 2/3 children”.  About the only way we do see any of them is to drive to their house at a time that suits them.  Over the years we’ve bent over backwards to accommodate our friends with young children and now it just hurts – mostly because they’ll probably never reciprocate, either because we’ll never have kids or because they’ll have their hands full with their own kids and won’t be able to.

I do still have a job, which is probably a miracle at this point considering how unproductive and unmotivated I am.  And a job means I can still pay my bills, which means we have a roof over our head, a nice car (which we’re still paying off) and most other modcons we want.  We can afford food and petrol.  We can afford IVF.

But we also have time on our hands.  Time that I don’t know how to fill.  I have no purpose beyond TTC, no goals other than a family.

I’m trying to be grateful for the things I do have, but this desire to reproduce is so primitive and all-consuming that it can be blinding.  Maybe that’s how I got lost in the dark?  I just can’t see the light?


One Response to “puzzled…”

  1. Hi Juniper, I am sorry you are feeling down in the dumps. I am too. I have found the book I mentioned very uplifting with lots of information about IF. I want you to order it. Okay? Also, are you seeing counseling or therapy? I really think it would help. I am not a real believer of it but lately have been drawn to therapy like flies on horse dung! :) LOL Anyway if you need to chat let me know ok. XOXOXO

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